I hate to complain so much, but I need to. And I hope at some point in the future I will be able to reflect on this blog, so I am going to try to get all my conflicted feelings out in it. Since Sunday at 4pm I have worked 77 hours...between Sunady 8am and Weds. 8 am I got a total of 13 hours of sleep...and I am fucking bitter as hell. Bitter about having to work so much, bitter about being slave labor sometimes, bitter that my classmates don't have such horrible luck, and bitter that I am expected to grin and bear it, even enjoy it. I have been on anesthesia for the last two weeks, and while i have learned a lot and loved the people in the department, I am sick, fucking sick, of the insane hours.
Sometimes I wonder if I just am not as hard working as I thought and maybe I just can't handle working as much as I thought, even though in the past my friends and family have always been amazed by how much I can handle. Then I realize my classmates are handling it better then me cause on average they are working 10 hours less then me...since on this rotation so far I have had the WORST luck on call...I ALWAYS get called in until 4am, and then have to work the next day like usual from 7am until 7pm, or longer. My classmates, the techs, even the doctors have all commented that I have the worst luck and always get emergencies while on call and have worked longer hours then everyone else. I try to appear pleasant on the outside, but inside I am bitter and angry and miserable...I broke down in tears 4 times on Wednesday (only once in front of someone, poor Mark had to be the comforting boyfriend).
And all of this has made me start to question what I want to do after graduation. I have realized that while I used to be able to handle working this many hours on things, I have never before been forced to "put all my eggs in one basket", and before clinics I always had the choice to drop things even if I never did...now I am forced to work these hours for school, and have no time for other things in my life, just clinics.
I originally thought I would do an internship after school, ideally in a zoo setting although I know with my grades it would be a miracle if I got a zoo internship, so I figured I would end up at a place like Angell in Boston, and then might do a two year residency to be certified in avian and small mammal medicine. But doing an internship means another year of working insane hours like clinics, while getting paid shit and having to defer paying off student loans for a year.
Speaking of loans, I wonder what is the best way to pay them off. I want to go in to zoo or wildlife medicine, but there is not a lot of pay there, so I figured I would have to do some private practice or something different to make some money. If I ultimately want to go back in to academia (which I think I do) an internship is a good idea, though not required. Also, there is a lot of money in emergency medicine, even if you are not certified, and if you do an internship almost any hospital will hire you as an experienced ER doctor since your internship is 80% ER work...you work 3-4 days a week, 12-15 hour days, but have at least 3 days off a week, and make between 100-150 grand. I've thought of that as a way to pay off loans in 3-4 years, but then would have to do an internship
Then there is private practice. I know why I didn't want to go that route before, and still feel the same if the place was like shaker vet, but if I could find somewhere I liked the staff, etc., it is appealing thinking of a job that is a 4-5 day work week, time off for vacation and CE, great benefits, great pay...I see the draw. Clinics has created the appeal in me.
But most of all I do not want to be over worked like I am now. I need time off for myself. Sure, I am active, and my time off is normally spent doing things, from running marathons, to kayaking, to being involved in research, etc., but I need that variety to stay sane, and I want to enjoy going to work everyday. Right now I am so fucking busy at work I never seem to take the time, nor do I even think to, to stop and bond with some of the amazing animals I work with. I just need to keep running to keep up. It's not fair, to me or the animals.
Ok, that's it for now...except a pet peeve of mine...don't you hate people that always think they do more work then anyone else? Even if they see on paper someone else is working more then them they complain or comment on how much work they have done. And if you start to complain they tell you to suck it up since "we knew clinics would be like this"...or people who don't know how to say thank you, but instead just act like you didn't do anything to help them and that now they have so much work to do after...yeah, being on anesthesia with a classmate like that is tough.
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