good news at the end of a bad week

This past week was by far the worst I have dealt with in clinics yet. I cried every day except today. I started thinking bad things like I haven't thought in years. I was getting lots of praise from the doctors, and was reluctant at many times to decline suggestions that I take on more, but deep down I was begging for help. I finally learned how to say no yesterday and told the doctor when he suggested I break the rule on maximum patients allowed for a student to manage (he suggested I take on a couple extra over the limit since I was doing so well and we were so busy) but I told him I thought I would end up jumping off a cliff if I did that, so luckily we have developed a good sense of humor together and said ok.

Then yesterday Mark was trying to be supportive after a tearful phone call every night by coming out to visit me instead of the usual me coming to see him, and I hate to admit it, but I think it was a bad idea. I can be way too needy, and when I am pushed to the limit and brought to tears on a daily basis my neediness goes through the roof. I can't believe Mark did walk out on me and my pathetic antics. I felt horrible, I was so annoying, but hopefully this will be the worst week ever and I won't be that idiot again.

Well, as of today, I have worked 77 hours in the last 5 days, and I still have to work every day of this upcoming three day weekend, but for less hours each day. Luckily, today things got a bit better. I left work at 7:40, the earliest all week. I spoke up for myself during the day. And rather then get upset and turn things inwards on myself, I deep down got angry and bitter, which is still not healthy, but at the end of the day I was not upset and crying, but had energy to go running (and since I finally got home before 9pm I was able to go running too).

Basically today I did my usual, but realized that I would be done with the long hour (15+) days this weekend. Plus Ryan called me and left a message that he has changed his mind and wants to move to Boston asap. We had been flirting with the idea of moving in together in boston this summer, but he was not ready to commit, and I told him if we waited I would want to move before october 1 or after june 1 of next year. Since he has gotten back to me, we have decided he will look hard for places for october 1st in somerville, cambridge, allston, brighton, and brookline. He's already found several affordable places and hopefully we will start viewing places later next week.

Lastly, I had a patient come in late yesterday afternoon. On my PE I heard a heart murmur, and after that I looked through all the dog's medical files and no previous vet ever noted a heart murmur in their physical exams. I told my doctor on the case, and he blew it off. The dog was admitted. After an MRI, the dog had to go home this afternoon. I told my doctor that I wanted to write in the discharges about the heart murmur so the owners knew we heard it, but I was worried since no other vet had heard it the owners might be scared, so I told my doctor I wanted to talk to the owners about it so they knew what it was and what it meant. Suddenly my doctor got nervous, since telling owners their dog has a heart murmur can be a big thing. So he suggested we both listen to the dog again. We did, and he could not hear a heart murmur. I listened again, and heard one, and tried to pass the stethescope to my doctor to show him, but he still could not hear it. He told me "Sorry, Lindsey, I think you are just hearing normal ejection sounds and are making that in to a heart murmur in your head." Naturally I was upset, but for once confident, and tried to argue, no, I think this is a real heart murmur. Slightly condescendingly my doctor suggested "Well. let's have the cardiologist on service today listen and see what she thinks." I was so nervous, and really hoped I was not wrong. We brought the dog over to the cardiologist. She listened, and after 30 seconds stopped and said "Great job, that is a 1 out of 6 heart murmur, the dog problem has early stage chronic valvular disease." (Btw, heart murmurs are ranked 1-6 based on how loud they are, and the 1/6 is the hardest to hear, normally only board certified cardiologists can hear it reliably). I was quite pleased with myself, and Dr. Faissler joked I deserved a gold star for all my amazing skills, and that he would send all his patients over the weekend to me to listen to. It kind of encouraged me again with how much I LOVE cardiology. I think if I ever specialized in some sort of small animal medicine, it would be in cardiology. I really love it, and LOVE heart murmurs. Maybe I can try for a zoo&wildlife residency at the same time as for a cardiology residency, and see what I get.

But most importantly, the last 4 days were some of the worst in my entire vet school career, but now I feel so refreshed and back in control...I hope this lasts, cause if not, I think I might seriously consider going back in to therapy once every two weeks, which is not a bad thing, just something I don't want to have to do if I can help it.