"the shortest break up ever"

4 days...I tried hard to do the right things, and so did Mark, and after only 4 days apart we decided to get back together and try again. I am not sure how things will work out in the future, but am not worried in the least. I feel really good about this, and think we are getting better at communicating and being honest every day. But I did find it hilarious that Mark's mom commented when she found out "well that was the shortest break up ever."

some back tracking: Littleton Animal Hospital

I spent the last two weeks at The Littleton Animal Hospital for my core rotation of practice environment. Candy had recommended it to me because they see a lot of exotics. It was a nice change...a bit more of a commute though. It was a 40 minute drive from my house. I was working 9-5 Monday through Friday, with a 1.5 hour lunch break almost every day. It was great. I saw TONS of exotics. Lots of birds, guinea pigs, rabbits, etc. I esp. loved the birds and guinea pigs, and twice almost adopted a bird, but luckily my self restraint is good and I resisted.

The beginning of the first week started out a little rough, cause I think the techs were testing me and treating me a bit like a child, but I must of proved myself within a couple days since they started treating me with much more respect and allowing me to do certain things. At the end of my first week I actually got to perform a rabbit dental!

It was overall a great experience, and I got to see a lot of the issues you see in private practice that you don't see at a place like tufts, mainly the money factor. It was sad, but money was often a huge contributing factor in whether or not n animal would get the care it needed or continue to suffer, or even be euthanized.

And of course most of you probably already know, I don't really want to write about it, but I will just say that Mark and I broke up. It was really hard at first, esp. with the timing and the circumstances, but I am amazed by my resilience and that within a couple days I already feel stronger and like I have grown in to a more mature person because of it. I am proud that I am making the right choices, and more importantly I am extremely lucky to have some of the most amazing, caring, and smart friends ever who were there to help ease the heart break and give great advice. I am not sure where things will go with that part of my life in the future, but I know I have made some good choices in the last couple days and will be proud of myself no matter how things turn out.

good times in Albany

I have some serious back-logging to do on this blog, but before I chat about the previous two weeks, I can't help but write about my awesome time in Albany so far.

It's my first visit home in almost 6 months. I can't believe that being initially depressed about my break up made me hesitate about wanting to visit my friends, and I am so glad I got over it quickly so that I was able to enjoy my time with these amazing people.

I got home and saw my mom for the first time in ages. She looks great. She started dating a couple months ago, which was weird for me at first, but I am happy for her too. She is now exclusively seeing this one guy, a vascular surgeon named Ben. She finds it hard to stop talking about how incredible he is. And I think dating and having a boyriend has really been great for my mom. She has lost 25 pounds, and the house is the cleanest and least cluttered I have ever seen it.

Sadly, I wish my brother was in a better state. He drove me to Bombers where I was going to meet my friends, and even though I offered to pay for his dinner if he came out with us, he declined. He's been drinking and smoking more, but amazingly getting straight A's in school. He was very argumentative, and when I tried to talk to him about my last week with Mark, he told me to shut up and he didn't want to hear about it. He said he was sick of hearing about guy troubles or good times from mom and I since he was having no such luck at all with the opposite sex. I was really worried about him and mentioned it to my friends at dinner, but Erik told me not to worry, since most young men go through a period where they are bitter and angry at the world, and that he would grow out of it. Luckily my ride home with my brother was better, he was in a cheerier mood. He joked and told me all sorts of silly stories about him getting to drunk, or being the life of a party. He got a little sad again when we got home, so I just reiterated my previous feelings that his friends are great, but family will always be there, and if you can be friends with your family as well as I think my brother and I are friends he should take advantage of that. I told him I didn't want him to hesitate if he ever needed to call or needed some help or support, and he thanked me and said he knew that.

Well, then there is my friends. I was sad that some of them didn't come out, but I often think they don't cause they have not gotten as far with their lives as they wanted to so far and they sometimes feel embarrassed since I have been so successful. But who did come?

Erik is doing GREAT! He brought his girlfriend Jen. She was very nice, and at first i wasn't sure if Erik and her had a lot in common since she is going in to marketing, but we are already friends on facebook and I can see so many similarities between them now, I am so happy for them. Erik finished his masters, it is a short story. he is going to send it my way, cause amazingly it was inspired by me a bit. I guess his cap-sizing nightmare on our kayaking trip really inspired a lot of it, and he also goes in to animal rights and individuality. I can't wait to read it.

I saw Zach, actually an ex from high school. He is back with Sarah, now a vet at shaker. They are doing well, and he seemed to be the happiest and most stable I have ever seen him.

And Greg, my old vegan metal band friend from undergrad came. He is doing well. He really is a life long learner and I feel like he just stays in school to keep learning, but he works at various jobs and is in the army too to avoid any student loans. He is so smart and had some great words of wisdom for me with regards to my relationship situation. He is hoping to go to law school soon through the army and work for the UN.

So that was my first night. Still have lunch with the family toady too. It was great. And I went for a 7 mile run today. I forgot how hilly the area I currently run in back home is, and how flat Albany is. I felt like I was flying on my run, clocking some 7 minute miles.

meet the parents take two

So mark's dad is retired and is loving it. They own a beach house in Orchard beach Maine and now that his dad is retired he spends the entire summer there with the family dog Penny. His dad really wanted me to come up to meet him, so Mark convinced me last weekend. I was on call Saturday from 8am until 8am on Sunday, so we left first thing Sunday morning. It was actually only a 2.5 hour drive form my place (less then to NYC).

Mark's family dog, penny, is a beagle-shepard cross. The whole family adores her and talks so highly of her. But I think Mark was a little worried since I guess she is scared of strangers at first. Mark kept warning me how she would probably growl a little at me and hide behind Mark for awhile, and might not be interested in me since Mark was there. I told him not to worry, and that just cause I was a vet student didn't mean I expected every animal to naturally love me.

Well, I had to laugh, since Penny came barreling down the driveway to see Mark, and I ignored her since most of the time scared dogs like that. She sniffed my hand some and didn't growl, but didn't seem to care about my presence either. But sure enough, we got in the house and sat around the table, and when penny checked me out I rubbed just right behind her ear or something, since she suddenly jumped up on my lap and was super sweet. She kept seeking my affection all morning and leaned against me like I was part of the family, which the family all thought was quite interesting and not common. Mark made a comment that "She is such a smart dog and she will remember you forever now." I just smirked and said "Glad I passed the test, I guess I am a keeper."

Mark's dad was an interesting character. His mom came up to see us too. We walked up the beach a couple miles and then back through town. It was windy but nice. And of course they all wanted traditional Maine lobster for dinner, but Mark's mom was so sweet and brought up stuff to make stuffed peppers and sweet potatoes for me. Sadly, even though Mark was the one who wanted me to meet all his family, he and his dad don;t get along that well, so Mark got stressed for what I felt like was no reason. When it came time to go get the lobsters, Mark's dad wanted me to see the town so bad, but Mark had had enough of his dad, and Mark bailed last minute (to sneak to the corner store and buy some cigarettes), leaving me to go on a 30 minute car drive through town with just his dad, and his dad was so pleased to show off the lobster fisherman and store where we got the lobster. As I gazed in to that sad full tank of poor lobsters that I just wanted to set free. I kept biting my lip and telling myself in my head "I am the best girlfriend ever". Mark was right though, his dad is SUPER opinionated, and I knew better then to start some philosophical arguments, although there were many opportunities for that and I continuously pinched myself to force out a smile and pray the subject would get changed.

All and all though, it was fun. His family is very nice, and his dog is great (I might be dog sitting her for his family when they go to seattle later this month to visit Mark's older brother).

77 hours in 6 bloody days...

I hate to complain so much, but I need to. And I hope at some point in the future I will be able to reflect on this blog, so I am going to try to get all my conflicted feelings out in it. Since Sunday at 4pm I have worked 77 hours...between Sunady 8am and Weds. 8 am I got a total of 13 hours of sleep...and I am fucking bitter as hell. Bitter about having to work so much, bitter about being slave labor sometimes, bitter that my classmates don't have such horrible luck, and bitter that I am expected to grin and bear it, even enjoy it. I have been on anesthesia for the last two weeks, and while i have learned a lot and loved the people in the department, I am sick, fucking sick, of the insane hours.

Sometimes I wonder if I just am not as hard working as I thought and maybe I just can't handle working as much as I thought, even though in the past my friends and family have always been amazed by how much I can handle. Then I realize my classmates are handling it better then me cause on average they are working 10 hours less then me...since on this rotation so far I have had the WORST luck on call...I ALWAYS get called in until 4am, and then have to work the next day like usual from 7am until 7pm, or longer. My classmates, the techs, even the doctors have all commented that I have the worst luck and always get emergencies while on call and have worked longer hours then everyone else. I try to appear pleasant on the outside, but inside I am bitter and angry and miserable...I broke down in tears 4 times on Wednesday (only once in front of someone, poor Mark had to be the comforting boyfriend).

And all of this has made me start to question what I want to do after graduation. I have realized that while I used to be able to handle working this many hours on things, I have never before been forced to "put all my eggs in one basket", and before clinics I always had the choice to drop things even if I never did...now I am forced to work these hours for school, and have no time for other things in my life, just clinics.

I originally thought I would do an internship after school, ideally in a zoo setting although I know with my grades it would be a miracle if I got a zoo internship, so I figured I would end up at a place like Angell in Boston, and then might do a two year residency to be certified in avian and small mammal medicine. But doing an internship means another year of working insane hours like clinics, while getting paid shit and having to defer paying off student loans for a year.

Speaking of loans, I wonder what is the best way to pay them off. I want to go in to zoo or wildlife medicine, but there is not a lot of pay there, so I figured I would have to do some private practice or something different to make some money. If I ultimately want to go back in to academia (which I think I do) an internship is a good idea, though not required. Also, there is a lot of money in emergency medicine, even if you are not certified, and if you do an internship almost any hospital will hire you as an experienced ER doctor since your internship is 80% ER work...you work 3-4 days a week, 12-15 hour days, but have at least 3 days off a week, and make between 100-150 grand. I've thought of that as a way to pay off loans in 3-4 years, but then would have to do an internship

Then there is private practice. I know why I didn't want to go that route before, and still feel the same if the place was like shaker vet, but if I could find somewhere I liked the staff, etc., it is appealing thinking of a job that is a 4-5 day work week, time off for vacation and CE, great benefits, great pay...I see the draw. Clinics has created the appeal in me.
But most of all I do not want to be over worked like I am now. I need time off for myself. Sure, I am active, and my time off is normally spent doing things, from running marathons, to kayaking, to being involved in research, etc., but I need that variety to stay sane, and I want to enjoy going to work everyday. Right now I am so fucking busy at work I never seem to take the time, nor do I even think to, to stop and bond with some of the amazing animals I work with. I just need to keep running to keep up. It's not fair, to me or the animals.

Ok, that's it for now...except a pet peeve of mine...don't you hate people that always think they do more work then anyone else? Even if they see on paper someone else is working more then them they complain or comment on how much work they have done. And if you start to complain they tell you to suck it up since "we knew clinics would be like this"...or people who don't know how to say thank you, but instead just act like you didn't do anything to help them and that now they have so much work to do after...yeah, being on anesthesia with a classmate like that is tough.

nyc time #2

it's been awhile since I have written...mainly because I started anesthesia this past week, and damn it is rough. The hours are roughly 7am until 6:30pm with a half hour lunch break. The kicker is you are either on call or on late every other day...if on call I could get paged in any time from 7pm until 8am the next day, or on the weekends it goes from 8am until 8am the next day. My first night on call, Monday, I got home at 6pm, showered, and was called back in at 6:15 and was there until 1am, got home at 1:30am and had to get back up at 6am to go back in for the day. If late, you stay to wrap up the last surgeries of the day, normally until 7-8pm. I was on late Wednesday and was there until 8pm. At least I am learning a lot, but it is SO tiring. I am already counting don until I move on to the next rotation. 2 more weeks.

But I did work hard and managed to get off friday and saturday this week. I landed some red sox vs. yankees tickets on stubhub for mark and I (making me the best girlfriend ever) and we headed in to the city friday morning for our fourth of july game.
It was supposed to rain, but it just stayed overcast until we got to the park. Mark wore a red sox shirt, which it quickly became apparent was nOT a good idea. A group of yankees fans in front of us started calling him "Harry Potter Senior". And this asshole group behind us started bothering me calling me and him a loser, and telling me I needed to break up with him. They were really aggressive about it. Then in the 7th inning it started raining and all I had was my two umbrellas, but they were yellow with dogs or purple. Mark choose to open the purple one and the jeers started again, about massachusetts being all gay, and how mark had no manhood. It was obnoxious, and even though Mark tried to be a good sport you could tell he was getting pissed. We ducked out since the red sox were winning 6 to 3 in the 7th, and made a good choice since ten minutes later everyone left when they ended the game because of the rain.
Sadly Mark was Mr. Grumpy after that, and he needed a nap, so we went back to the car and he napped while I went in search of food (which was actually tough since so many places were closed for the fourth). We were thinking of meeting Izzy and some friends for fireworks in brooklyn, but then a huge thunderstorm came through, so we decided to pack up and leave.

On the ride home Mark got in his head he wanted to stop at Foxwoods. I did not but was happy to accommodate him, so we went and I slept in the car. The good news was it brought back Mark's good mood when he won $110 in poker. We didn't get home until 4am, but it meant we were able to be lazy and sleep in doing mostly nothing all Saturday. We had dinner and watched a movie, but I was a little sad I was not able to convince Mark to stay one more night, I think after 2.5 days with mehe was starting to O.D. on Lindsey. And sadly I am on call starting in 15 minute for the next 24 hours : ( . Something tells me I will be in the hospital a lot today, but oh well.

meet the parents

This past weekend I was supposed to go strawberry picking with Christina, Pete, and Ryan. Mark couldn't come cause his brother was in town from Arizona, and while I wanted to meet him, I promised Christina I would go picking with her (and was looking forward to strawberry pie after). Well, the weather was gorgeous, but an hour before we were supposed to leave Christina called me with some bad news...she had called the farm before leaving and found out it was closed for the next three days cause the picking had been so good all week they had run out of strawberries for people to pick!
I was bummed, but I was able to call Mark and tell him I was free to meet his brother : )
So at 5pm I headed in to Somerville and was glad my first family member of Mark's that I would meet would be a sibling. We went out for a drink to watch the red sox win in extra innings, which was fun, but at the end of it Mark had to bring his brother back to his parents house, and I was asked if I wanted to come along and meet his mom...needless to say I was excited but nervous.
Well, his house was beautiful, in a very nice (and might I add it looked quite rich) neighborhood. His mom was nervous too I guess, and she was super sweet, but I wasn't able to ask her much since she talked the whole time. She had made a beautiful salad for us, which of course even though they have experience with vegans, had feta cheese in it. I tried to be a good sport and ate a handful after picking out the feta. But after only an hour Mark was exhausted (we had had a fun filled weekend after all) and we left, so it was a quick encounter, but I am looking forward to meeting more of his family and his mom again in the future. They even have a piano in the house, so if I ever go back there I will be sure to bring some sheet music and practice some.
I just want to add that I have never been with someone before who is SO good at picking up on my stupid issues and girl problems. I actually am growing up too and am trying to talk about my emotion rather then hide them like most girls and try to make Mark read my mind. But I have realized a lot of my issues are not girl issues, but OCD issues, some remnants of my old habits...habits is the perfect word afterall. Mark is right, I am VERY set in my ways, I want everything to happen like clockwork, I have a tough time doing things in the ritualistic fashion that I do them every night. And Mark has not only noticed this, but when I apologize and say I am sorry for my bad traits, I should try to change them, at which point Mark says they are not bad traits, just personality traits that make me who I am that I should not try to fix, just be more open to when people suggest things other then my rituals. I feel so lucky now.

NYC weekend trip : )

Part of me is always torn when I write these blogs, I know I don't write anything bad about people so I don't care who reads them...but sometimes I have such great experiences with Mark I want to write about them, but I don't want to share "too much". Plus I never know how much he reads it anyways, but oh well....I have had an amazing two weeks, so I am going to share. : )

Radiology is fucking amazing. It is called radiation vacation because the hours are great, and it is true. Not only are the hours great, but the entire department is staffed by incredible techs and doctors, and they really love to teach! At least 4 hours of every day are set aside specifically for learning...the profs or techs teach us protocols or procedures, or review ultrasounds, MRIs, CTs, and x-rays with us to help us learn, by putting us in the hot seat, which isn't that bad. Basically they will put up a set of x-rays, give you a brief history (like 8 year old spayed female golden retriever with 2 week history of intermittent vomitting and increased drinking) and then you are supposed to find anything wrong with the animal on the x-rays. They are not mean at all if you miss things, but I have actually found I have a lot more knowledge then I realized. 90% of the tim I find all the problems on the radiographs!

Then the sweet part of the deal is your day on radiology starts at 8am, and is done by 5:30 pm at the latest, sometimes earlier, plus you get an hour or more lunch break EVERY day. You work 2-3 weekend days from 10-5 out of 6 possible days (of course I got stuck with 3, while 3 of my classmates only have to work 2). But still, this is amazing.

So that meant last weekend was my first entire weekend off in god knows how long. So Mark and I made plans to go on a weekend trip to NYC. We were going to try to go to the MOMA in the morning, followed by a yankees game in the afternoon, then dinner, then head home on Saturday. Despite feeling like my weekend of fun and relaxation was going to crumble multiple times, it worked out incredibly well, I had a blast, and Mark was such an amazing boyfriend, I felt so lucky.

Things got a little fishy when my friend Christina, whom I had promised to go strawberry picking with in June when she picked a date, said she was going on Sunday at 11am. Mark and I still hadn't decided whether or not we wanted to stay overnight saturday or not, but rather then miss out on what I promised to go to, we decided to just go to NYC for saturday. Then a couple days before Mark was invited to one of his good friend's bday parties in boston on Saturday night, which we both wanted to go to, but I quite frankly didn't want to cut any of my NYC trip short to go back to boston, only to have to get up super early sunday to take the train back home at 7am so I could make it to strawberry picking in time. We decided to try to make it to the party, but would play it by ear.

We left for NYC at 6:45am hoping to get there by 10:30. We were there on time, but parking was tough to find. We finally found affordable parking ($12 for the day) but by then it was 11:30, and the yankees game started at 1pm, and we didn;t have tickets yet since mark wanted to try to scalp them, so with a heavy sigh from me we abandoned the moma and headed to yankee stadium. Mark asked a woman on the street for a nice place to eat, and she recommended a hip brunch place, where we went, but there was nothing for me to eat, and no where else around was open, so I suffered through without food. The good thing was Mark could see I was bummed, and I finally got over being a stupid girl and told him I didn't want to rush back home to boston to hang out with his friends who we could see any other weekend, which I felt terribly guilty admitting, but am so glad I did (btw, I REALLY like these friends, but it just seemed to be cutting in to my weekend). He wasn't mad at all and said we would still play it by ear.

So we get to yankee stadium, the weather is gorgeous, the crowd is thick, and naturally they had sold out. So there was no scalping to be found. Mark thought it would be easy since it was for him in seattle, but there was nothing under $75 a ticket, so after an hour outside the stadium we gave up...disappointment #2. : (
On a good note, Mark said we had time to see the moma, so we went. Of course, Mark was SO tired by the time we got there and just wanted to leave, but he was such a good sport and made me laugh a lot making fun of certain art and me, but it was seriously hilarious and cute. We went to central park at 4pm where he just wanted to lay down in the shade and relax, so we napped for an hour. At 5pm we decided to get moving. Mark wanted to go home to Boston for the party still, which was fine, but I did want dinner. I told him I thought we could either leave then and go back to boston, or go for dinner since i had not eaten since 7am that morning. He wanted dinner too, and I knew of a vegan pizza place 20 blocks away from our car, but I warned him it would add a lot of walking to our schedule. He didn't see a problem with that, so we went. Another disappointment was my pizza, despite looking great, tasting crappy...however the restaurant had banana-chocolate cheesecake, so I got a piece. I gave Mark and bite and we both thought it was heavenly so we jokingly fought over it on the long walk back to the car. I drove most of the way home, and even as Mark talked on the phone to his mom and brother he thought we would go to Boston for the party, but finally at 10pm when we were still almost 2 hours form home he realized it was not a good idea to go in to Boston, get there at 12:30 and go to the party for 30 minutes. So we went to my place and crashed instead.

It really was too short of a trip with many little disappointments and flaws, but we both had an amazing time. Funny. We promised each other to plan it better next time (i am trying to get online tickets to the red sox vs. yankees game in a couple weeks online now), but it wAs so relaxing and fun...and I couldn't help think the same thing as I overheard Mark tell his mom and brother on the phone how he had such a great time in NYC.

IDK LOL

My generation uses various AIM speak way too much...like lol, ttyl, idk, lmao, wtf, omg, etc. etc.
Then on top of it, if you go in to a medical profession the use of these types of abbreviations is WAY too abused. We were discussing it yesterday in ultraosund as we tried to figure out what "STS" as the history and problem meant (turns out it was soft tissue sarcoma). Medical professionals love to abbreviate things and use these codes in their medical records a lot. Most of the time it is easy for us medical people to figure out what they are referring to, but in my opinion it wouldn't hurt to put it in parantheses the first time and then use the acronym. Especially when it could have multiple meanings.
Here are some of the more common abbreviations we use in veterinary medicine (and many are used in human med too). Can you guess what they all stand for?
HBC
DOA
PLN (there are multiple meanings for this one)
EENT
DKA
LSA
ADR
ABD
PNST
UG
SF
CM
CRF
ARF
HL
PSS (two meanings again)
NMA
NSR
NSA
RE/RR

Have fun, I am curious to see people's responses and what they think these things stand for! please comment away!

my calming mechanism

I never thought I would be a runner, but somehow I have become one since I started vet school. It has become how I stay sane. Everyone has something (or at least they should have something) that helps them relax, rejuvenate, recharge, etc. Running has become that for me. Sure, there are lots of moments when I want it to be over, like those 10 degree runs with the wind in my face freezing my snot in February, or those 90 degree runs in July where I fantasize about trespassing and taking a dive in to some stranger's pool at mile 8, or best of all at the top of a hill in January, on my way down, feeling great, then spotting the 30 foot patch of black ice covering every inch of road only 10 feet away. But all in all I love running, and I feel more refreshed then anything after a good run. I also have some really amazing moments on my runs. You think A LOT when you run for more then 8 miles at a time, since it guarantees you will be on the road for over an hour. I listen to my ipod nano too, but my mind wanders. I can reflect on things. I can fantiasize about things, a common fantasy involves running by some huge house with lots of land for sale and I begin dreaming about winning the lottery and buying a house like that. Or good mental imagery and imagining running a race like the boston marathon at my fastest speed yet.

Then there are weird moments like what happened yesterday, things that I don't expect but that keep me smiling or laughing or feeling touched and lucky and connected with the world that last a while, as long as they need to until the next event.

It's been hot lately, so yesterday I decided to run at 5am and avoid the 90 degree weather. Of course it was already 80 degrees at 5am, but that is besides the point. It was 6:10, and I was finishing up my 8 mile run, only a mile from home. I was on this refreshing down hill stretch when I heard something in the woods across the street. I thought it was a rabbit and figured at my quick pace there was no point in trying to spot it cause they are so small and fast and hide in the bushes, but the noise persisted for a second longer and sounded loud so I looked over. There was a deer bounding over some logs parallel to the road, not looking at me. I scanned the woods for other deers and she looked alone. I am also an incredible dork and even though I know animals do no understand english, I always seem to talk to them, esp. when alone on a run...so I said in a regular voice "Hey beautiful." and expected the deer to hear me and dash off full speed. Instead the deer turned its head towards me, and bounded over to the side of the road near me. I was so amazed, and although my momentum was pulling me down the hill, I stopped. The deer stopped on the opposite side of the road from me, about 15 feet from me. He shook his head, and I noticed too little antler buds and realized my mistake. I said "I am sorry, I meant you were handsome, not beautiful." The deer and I continued to look at each other for another 3 seconds, and then he turned, so I turned and started running down the rest of my hill. He also ran, but stayed along the edge of the road bounding through the woods parallel to me for another 20-30 feet or so before he decided to run back in to the woods, which was weird considering I expected him to run away from me. I couldn't keep my eyes from him. I continued my run, but for the last 8 minutes or so before I got home he was all I could think about, I know it was weird and some coincidence or some explanation for his un-deer like behavior, but it was an incredible moment for me, and another reason why I would never give up running as long as I have legs and my health (and not having legs won't make me stop either, those runners with prosthetic limbs in runners world are inspirational). I just wish that everyone could find those amazing moments or that perfect hobby that makes them clear their mind and feel at peace with the world.