good news at the end of a bad week

This past week was by far the worst I have dealt with in clinics yet. I cried every day except today. I started thinking bad things like I haven't thought in years. I was getting lots of praise from the doctors, and was reluctant at many times to decline suggestions that I take on more, but deep down I was begging for help. I finally learned how to say no yesterday and told the doctor when he suggested I break the rule on maximum patients allowed for a student to manage (he suggested I take on a couple extra over the limit since I was doing so well and we were so busy) but I told him I thought I would end up jumping off a cliff if I did that, so luckily we have developed a good sense of humor together and said ok.

Then yesterday Mark was trying to be supportive after a tearful phone call every night by coming out to visit me instead of the usual me coming to see him, and I hate to admit it, but I think it was a bad idea. I can be way too needy, and when I am pushed to the limit and brought to tears on a daily basis my neediness goes through the roof. I can't believe Mark did walk out on me and my pathetic antics. I felt horrible, I was so annoying, but hopefully this will be the worst week ever and I won't be that idiot again.

Well, as of today, I have worked 77 hours in the last 5 days, and I still have to work every day of this upcoming three day weekend, but for less hours each day. Luckily, today things got a bit better. I left work at 7:40, the earliest all week. I spoke up for myself during the day. And rather then get upset and turn things inwards on myself, I deep down got angry and bitter, which is still not healthy, but at the end of the day I was not upset and crying, but had energy to go running (and since I finally got home before 9pm I was able to go running too).

Basically today I did my usual, but realized that I would be done with the long hour (15+) days this weekend. Plus Ryan called me and left a message that he has changed his mind and wants to move to Boston asap. We had been flirting with the idea of moving in together in boston this summer, but he was not ready to commit, and I told him if we waited I would want to move before october 1 or after june 1 of next year. Since he has gotten back to me, we have decided he will look hard for places for october 1st in somerville, cambridge, allston, brighton, and brookline. He's already found several affordable places and hopefully we will start viewing places later next week.

Lastly, I had a patient come in late yesterday afternoon. On my PE I heard a heart murmur, and after that I looked through all the dog's medical files and no previous vet ever noted a heart murmur in their physical exams. I told my doctor on the case, and he blew it off. The dog was admitted. After an MRI, the dog had to go home this afternoon. I told my doctor that I wanted to write in the discharges about the heart murmur so the owners knew we heard it, but I was worried since no other vet had heard it the owners might be scared, so I told my doctor I wanted to talk to the owners about it so they knew what it was and what it meant. Suddenly my doctor got nervous, since telling owners their dog has a heart murmur can be a big thing. So he suggested we both listen to the dog again. We did, and he could not hear a heart murmur. I listened again, and heard one, and tried to pass the stethescope to my doctor to show him, but he still could not hear it. He told me "Sorry, Lindsey, I think you are just hearing normal ejection sounds and are making that in to a heart murmur in your head." Naturally I was upset, but for once confident, and tried to argue, no, I think this is a real heart murmur. Slightly condescendingly my doctor suggested "Well. let's have the cardiologist on service today listen and see what she thinks." I was so nervous, and really hoped I was not wrong. We brought the dog over to the cardiologist. She listened, and after 30 seconds stopped and said "Great job, that is a 1 out of 6 heart murmur, the dog problem has early stage chronic valvular disease." (Btw, heart murmurs are ranked 1-6 based on how loud they are, and the 1/6 is the hardest to hear, normally only board certified cardiologists can hear it reliably). I was quite pleased with myself, and Dr. Faissler joked I deserved a gold star for all my amazing skills, and that he would send all his patients over the weekend to me to listen to. It kind of encouraged me again with how much I LOVE cardiology. I think if I ever specialized in some sort of small animal medicine, it would be in cardiology. I really love it, and LOVE heart murmurs. Maybe I can try for a zoo&wildlife residency at the same time as for a cardiology residency, and see what I get.

But most importantly, the last 4 days were some of the worst in my entire vet school career, but now I feel so refreshed and back in control...I hope this lasts, cause if not, I think I might seriously consider going back in to therapy once every two weeks, which is not a bad thing, just something I don't want to have to do if I can help it.

sheer exhaustion

This week has been hell. I have already worked over 60 hours in 4 days. I was warned neuro was tough, and I had bad luck being the only student on. I have never left the hospital before 8:30pm, and get here at 5:30am. No lunch most days. And it doesn't help that the neurologist on the service, known for being the work a holic of the hospital, took pictures of our patient board today because it is the busiest it has been in over 6 months. I broke down in tears in the bathroom after being bitten by one of my patients today. 4 more days to go...I hate this hell.

freaking being a good student is not worth it sometimes...

I just wrote about my horrible ER shifts...I was chatting with some people who work in the ER this week, and even though it is supposed to be random, I did find out that the residents and doctors ask the scheduler to try to put the most responsible students on the 3pm-2am shifts since they end up doing the most on their own. I guess after 10pm there are normally only 1-2 other doctors there, and then the one student on from 3-2, so they like the student who gets the most of those shifts to be one that can handle acting as a doctor on his/her own the best since they might have to if it gets busy and the doctors need to work on other patients. I know I should be flattered, but I am so fucking burnt out that I don't care. I am starting to think it is not worth it to be a great student that people thinks will be a great vet if it means I get next to no sleep and time off. God I hope I have a good 3 weeks on ER.

bitter at the world...

So I know I have had it kind of rough in clinics so far. It feels like at times I have the worst luck being on call (always getting called in during the wee hours of the morning) and I always seem to have 2x the amount of cases that my classmates do, or I always seem to be helping out classmates with their cases cause I work twice as fast as them, or I always end up being the one of 5 student on a rotation that has to take 1-2 more on call shifts then all the others (cause my classmates suck at times and refuse to take the extra shift, and I can't say no if I don't have a legit excuse)...I tell myself that I am just stressed and burned out, that I don't really have bad luck, but then while just talking in passing to classmates when they here my clinics experience so far they all can't help but say "crap lindsey, I am so sorry, you have had it rough." The interns in the ER joke that I have the worst luck for getting called in and working all hours of the morning (followed by a normal work day). The doctors joke that all my patients are sicker then they appear on paper and end up admitted in to the hospital for multiple days after their initial appointment with me.

I have been trying so hard to not let this get to me...I have neurology coming up next week. I just finished a week on cardiology which I loved. This week has been oncology which has been pleasant. But next week is my one week on neurology, and by chance (of course) I happen to be the only student on. There are usually 2-3 students on, since there is a TREMENDOUS case load on neuro...you normally arrive at 6am and are there until 7-8pm with no lunch break. Well, I am on with Dr. Faissler next week, who is hilarious and smart as hell, but is known as the work-aholic of the hospital. My classmates were trying to make me feel better and encourage me that neuro was fun and I would be able to handle the 10 patients I would manage a day, and then I ran in to Shelia, the neurology resident I know since we used to run together. She asked me "Hey Lindsey, what are you up to this weekend?" Me being a dork was excited and thought "Cool, maybe a doctor wants to hang out with me, Sheila is a lot of fun after all." I replied to her "I am on oncology this weekend, so I might be in with patients, not sure yet." Sheila said "Oh, well I wanted to tell you that you should sleep, since you won't be getting any sleep at all next week being the only student on a faissler week." Nice. Way to rub it in.

Then of course next weekend is a three-day weekend with labor day. Mark is moving in to his new apartment, so since it is a holiday (treated like a weekend at school) I was hoping to head over to his place after my neuro patients were taken care of, hopefully around 12-1pm...then I got the email this past week from Dr. Cotter, the head of all medicine rotation. "Hi Lindsey, I am not sure if this is good news or bad news, but we forgot that Labor Day was the week of your neuro rotation, and since you are on and we don't want to over burden the medicine students with extra treatment shifts, we assigned you to the 8-5 treatment shift in the wards." Not sure if it is good or bad news?! Do you think I want to spend another fucking 9 hours in that god-forsaken hospital!? Shoot me now, seriously....

Ok, so I was telling my roommate JM all this trying hard not to get upset as she was saying over and over "wow Lindsey, you really have the worst luck of anyone I have ever talked to on clinics, I am sorry." I said "Eh, I am not saying it is bad luck, I am sure it is like this for others, I will survive." I think I was trying hard to stay sane saying that...then I go in to my room and check my email, and there is my bloody schedule for ER, which I am on for the first 3 weeks of september.

There are 5 of us students in my calss on the rotation toegether. The ER has a set 5 schedules set up for three week student blocks, and they supposedly assign them randomly...one student always gets the "Shitty" schedules...and guess who that fucking is?! yup! I have 3 weeks of ER, and only one 7am-6pm shift. The rest are all noon-10pm or 3pm-2am shifts...seriously? WTF?!! I have SEVEN 3pm-2am shifts, and of my four classmates the one who comes closest only has THREE! My weekends are shot. I have NO weekend days off, and all of my classmates have at least one. You get one day off a week on ER, but of course every day I have off I am on until either 10pm or 2am the night before, so I will not be able to go out at all and enjoy the night before my days off...and to top it all off, my last three days fri-sun before I start at Angell memorial in Boston, are 3pm-2am shifts, so I get to work until 2am on Sunday and then take a 6am train in to Boston on Monday...I am SO fucking livid and bitter right now. I need a break SO fucking bad. Thank god I have elective and vacation for 6 weeks after my ER rotation.

what a party

My birthday party was a little more low key then usual, but I was quite pleased. Heather and Denis came with Tina from Montreal, which rocked. Ryan came over early to help me get the grill going. We set up the porch and had a relaxing evening. Barely any guitar hero was played, we all just chilled on the porch, drank our beers, and enjoyed tasty food. It was very mellow. We did end up playing some poker. I was impressed that my liver handled it all. I had 11 beers over the course of the night and was suprisingly not drunk.

The next morning took some effort to get Mark up (I wanted to sleep in too, but we did have guests). We went to breakfast at a cute place in Grafton with Heather and Denis, and then went for a walk through the tufts field with Tina before they left. We had a great time and just relaxed more.

Mark and I spent the day after that continuing to relax. We also got some studying in. It was such a calm weekend for me.

And speaking of mellow, I am in the weirdest mood lately. For about a week lately people have been asking me if I am ok. I am normally so high strung and wired, and people expect annoying enthusiasm and energy from me. I am very happy, but lately very calm. People ask me how things are going and I just smile. I don't have a lot of energy to waste time going in to the details of clinics, etc. I just feel calm and mellow lately, it is not a bad thing at all, it is just not my usual self.

Well, I am on cardiology all this week, and so far I am LOVING it.

birthday fun

I had a great birthday. I had to get up REALLY early on my birthday, thursday, to get to work in NH by 6:30 (meaning I got up at 4:30). Work was easy and short, and I got out REALLY early. Since I had handled a patient with scabies and because I had some homework for work the next day, I drove home at 2pm. Good thing too cause I was able to put the dozen roses on my porch from Mark for my bday inside in a vase : ) .

Then I drove out to Christina's place. I met her new dog Winston, an adorable shih tzu mix who is fun, but does have some behavioral issues that I think will be easy for them to work out. I drove Christina and I in to Sunset Bar and Grill in Allston to meet Ryan. We had some yummy dinner, I was planning on only having 1 beer since I was driving and had to get up at 5am for work the next day. I had told Mark he was welcome to come, but knew he was busy, and he had his soccer league that night, so figuered it would just be me and my friends. After dinner we were paying the bill and out of nowhere Mark appeared and joined our table. I was so surprised and pleased, I couldn't stop smiling. So rather then head out we went upstairs for a round of pool (which I hate and am terrible at, but tried hard to enjoy just cause I enjoy spending time with my friends). We had some interesting conversations about flirting and then about boobs, which of course lead to a discussion of my perfect boobs, and I was quite flattered when Mark starting complimenting all parts of my body.

We left a little after 9pm. I drove Christina home, and then went over to Mark's. He had a birthday present for me, and it was nothing too extravagant, but it was one of the kindest gifts anyone had gotten me. Long story I guess. I love to read and I love my dvd collection, but most of the time people don't know my taste, or if they do they accidentally buy me something I already bought myself. Well, I don't expect or want people to buy me gifts anyways, I would rather spend time with my friends. But Mark bought me the book "Water for Elephants", a book that all my friends have recommended to me and I have wanted to read, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. It was just amazing to me since I have never told Mark I wanted to read the book, and I am sure he has not looked at my collection so for all he could of known I might of already had it. So again, it does not seem like that big of a deal to most people, but it meant a lot to me, and I felt really lucky to have this incredible guy in my life that was able to know enough about me that he could find a simple and thoughtful gift like that.

"the shortest break up ever"

4 days...I tried hard to do the right things, and so did Mark, and after only 4 days apart we decided to get back together and try again. I am not sure how things will work out in the future, but am not worried in the least. I feel really good about this, and think we are getting better at communicating and being honest every day. But I did find it hilarious that Mark's mom commented when she found out "well that was the shortest break up ever."

some back tracking: Littleton Animal Hospital

I spent the last two weeks at The Littleton Animal Hospital for my core rotation of practice environment. Candy had recommended it to me because they see a lot of exotics. It was a nice change...a bit more of a commute though. It was a 40 minute drive from my house. I was working 9-5 Monday through Friday, with a 1.5 hour lunch break almost every day. It was great. I saw TONS of exotics. Lots of birds, guinea pigs, rabbits, etc. I esp. loved the birds and guinea pigs, and twice almost adopted a bird, but luckily my self restraint is good and I resisted.

The beginning of the first week started out a little rough, cause I think the techs were testing me and treating me a bit like a child, but I must of proved myself within a couple days since they started treating me with much more respect and allowing me to do certain things. At the end of my first week I actually got to perform a rabbit dental!

It was overall a great experience, and I got to see a lot of the issues you see in private practice that you don't see at a place like tufts, mainly the money factor. It was sad, but money was often a huge contributing factor in whether or not n animal would get the care it needed or continue to suffer, or even be euthanized.

And of course most of you probably already know, I don't really want to write about it, but I will just say that Mark and I broke up. It was really hard at first, esp. with the timing and the circumstances, but I am amazed by my resilience and that within a couple days I already feel stronger and like I have grown in to a more mature person because of it. I am proud that I am making the right choices, and more importantly I am extremely lucky to have some of the most amazing, caring, and smart friends ever who were there to help ease the heart break and give great advice. I am not sure where things will go with that part of my life in the future, but I know I have made some good choices in the last couple days and will be proud of myself no matter how things turn out.

good times in Albany

I have some serious back-logging to do on this blog, but before I chat about the previous two weeks, I can't help but write about my awesome time in Albany so far.

It's my first visit home in almost 6 months. I can't believe that being initially depressed about my break up made me hesitate about wanting to visit my friends, and I am so glad I got over it quickly so that I was able to enjoy my time with these amazing people.

I got home and saw my mom for the first time in ages. She looks great. She started dating a couple months ago, which was weird for me at first, but I am happy for her too. She is now exclusively seeing this one guy, a vascular surgeon named Ben. She finds it hard to stop talking about how incredible he is. And I think dating and having a boyriend has really been great for my mom. She has lost 25 pounds, and the house is the cleanest and least cluttered I have ever seen it.

Sadly, I wish my brother was in a better state. He drove me to Bombers where I was going to meet my friends, and even though I offered to pay for his dinner if he came out with us, he declined. He's been drinking and smoking more, but amazingly getting straight A's in school. He was very argumentative, and when I tried to talk to him about my last week with Mark, he told me to shut up and he didn't want to hear about it. He said he was sick of hearing about guy troubles or good times from mom and I since he was having no such luck at all with the opposite sex. I was really worried about him and mentioned it to my friends at dinner, but Erik told me not to worry, since most young men go through a period where they are bitter and angry at the world, and that he would grow out of it. Luckily my ride home with my brother was better, he was in a cheerier mood. He joked and told me all sorts of silly stories about him getting to drunk, or being the life of a party. He got a little sad again when we got home, so I just reiterated my previous feelings that his friends are great, but family will always be there, and if you can be friends with your family as well as I think my brother and I are friends he should take advantage of that. I told him I didn't want him to hesitate if he ever needed to call or needed some help or support, and he thanked me and said he knew that.

Well, then there is my friends. I was sad that some of them didn't come out, but I often think they don't cause they have not gotten as far with their lives as they wanted to so far and they sometimes feel embarrassed since I have been so successful. But who did come?

Erik is doing GREAT! He brought his girlfriend Jen. She was very nice, and at first i wasn't sure if Erik and her had a lot in common since she is going in to marketing, but we are already friends on facebook and I can see so many similarities between them now, I am so happy for them. Erik finished his masters, it is a short story. he is going to send it my way, cause amazingly it was inspired by me a bit. I guess his cap-sizing nightmare on our kayaking trip really inspired a lot of it, and he also goes in to animal rights and individuality. I can't wait to read it.

I saw Zach, actually an ex from high school. He is back with Sarah, now a vet at shaker. They are doing well, and he seemed to be the happiest and most stable I have ever seen him.

And Greg, my old vegan metal band friend from undergrad came. He is doing well. He really is a life long learner and I feel like he just stays in school to keep learning, but he works at various jobs and is in the army too to avoid any student loans. He is so smart and had some great words of wisdom for me with regards to my relationship situation. He is hoping to go to law school soon through the army and work for the UN.

So that was my first night. Still have lunch with the family toady too. It was great. And I went for a 7 mile run today. I forgot how hilly the area I currently run in back home is, and how flat Albany is. I felt like I was flying on my run, clocking some 7 minute miles.